A Son's Journey: From Jet-Setting Consultant to Full-Time Caregiver

For those who are an only child, no one shares the load when Mum and Dad get sick. When care-giving duties call, an only son responds.

He sports a ponytail, speaks eloquently, and deals with lawyers, accountants, and C-suites. For fun, he used to hop on a red-eye flight to Tokyo on a Thursday night and be back by midnight Sunday, ready for work come Monday morning. "I miss my life, hanging with the boys and attending black-tie events," W. Bro. Heron Khalid Goh reminisces about his life before becoming a caregiver to his 90-year-old dad (who has Alzheimer's) and 87-year-old mum (who has vascular dementia). Not many can give all this up—including coming back to Singapore after living overseas for 26 years.

W. Bro. Heron Khalid Goh, Past District Grand Steward, was the Worshipful Master of Baldwyn Lowick Lodge No. 7004 (E.C) in 2015. He read law at the University of Wolverhampton, UK (1994), and obtained his Master’s degree in Business Administration (Finance) from the University of Hull, UK (1995). His many years in the tax profession have also lent him valuable experience across a wide range of industries. He actively gives talks on tax and accounting matters and has served as an adviser to several public-listed companies.

In January 2021, his then 86-year-old father was admitted to the intensive care unit after a serious bout of pneumonia. His mother, unable to find her way home, was later diagnosed with dementia.

Then based in Kuala Lumpur, Mr. Heron knew he had to move back after nearly three decades away, but he flew right into Singapore’s strict pandemic-control policies.

“Those 14 days in hotel quarantine were the longest two weeks of my life, knowing my father was fighting for his life and my mother wasn’t well either, but not being able to do anything,” he says.

His jet-setting life gave way to one that largely revolved around cooking, cleaning, and taking his parents to medical appointments.

Mr Heron’s parents sharing photos of their younger selves. Both have dementia.

Earlier this year in 2024, his father, Mr. Khalid Goh Abdullah, had a violent outburst during a regular appointment at Changi General Hospital, yelling at nurses, doctors, and even security. As they were leaving the clinic, his mother suffered a fall and had to be hospitalized.

During the three days she was in the hospital, her husband refused to leave her bedside.

“That’s when the medical staff asked if my father had dementia,” Mr. Heron recalls.

“How could it be? He has been so independent and able to do everything himself. But in hindsight, I missed the signs. You don’t see what you don’t want to see.”

"I am what I am because of my parents. They put me through school and made sacrifices for me," the 56-year-old, with a law degree and MBA, explains. His dad was an accountant and his mum a dental nurse; both have savings to see them through old age.

Discovering that his parents had dementia was hard. From being independent seniors who enjoyed travelling, driving, and going places, Heron’s parents have become reclusive in the last few years. Prior to their diagnosis, Heron started noticing his parents “forgetting” their way home, falling, or asking strangers at the bus stop for directions to the hospital—a route they used to know well. Alzheimer’s disease also transformed his dad into a different person—aggressive, abusive, with erratic moods, and always berating him. But the jovial mid-lifer did not dwell on the situation: “Naturally, I was in shock, I had a meltdown, but I got up and found help—you just have to do it.”

Heron found Caregivers Alliance Limited (“CAL”) through Changi General Hospital and recently graduated from the 8-week Caregivers-to-Caregivers (C2C) Training Programme for Dementia. At the graduation ceremony, he reminded his peers to “not take things for granted.” Every morning, Heron is up by 6 am to wash, cook, and clean. Breakfast will be ready when his parents wake up at 9 am. “They are waking up later and later. One day, they may just not wake up.” When not doing household chores or his consultancy work, Heron spends his day meaningfully with his parents. Sometimes it’s nudging his dad to read the newspaper; other times, it’s looking at old family albums and letters together. When CAL visited him at home, he was providing pedicure services to his mum.

For this consultant-turned-caregiver, care-giving has become a bit easier now. He has since learned to recognize the symptoms of dementia and separate his parents from their illness, particularly when they are hurtful. Importantly, he prioritizes self-care by cycling, enrolling in CAL’s Caregivers-for-Caregivers (C4C) Support Programme, and recently signing up for one of CAL’s engagement activities to visit Port of Singapore Authority’s Pasir Panjang terminal. What drives Heron? The occasional lucid moments when his mum tells him: “Boy, I know I’m not well, I’m sorry and thank you.”

The above article was compiled from a story featured by Caregivers Alliance Limited, Singapore, and The Star, written by reporter Elizabeth Law in September 2024.